if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
