so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
