May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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