I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
