so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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