when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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