when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
