guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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