Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
