she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize