so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
