So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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