I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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