Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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