The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
