I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
