everyone is single if you try hard enough
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
