the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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