the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Randomize
