I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
