i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
