i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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