do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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