The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
