To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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