Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I want to fling myself into the sun
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
