Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
