dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize