now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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