i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
