Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
