I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Randomize
