Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
