Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My pussy is not your playground.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
