Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
