God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
