he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
