I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
