This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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