I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
