Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
