Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Randomize
