You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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