Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
