I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
