A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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