If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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