Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
