My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Do vagina's smell?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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