____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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